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Feb 14

Ovulating on Valentine’s Day

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How to use My Days to track a woman's ovulation {Horrible Housewife}

Babies. We all know and love them… until they rip our vagina. I’m pretty sure a ripped vagina is when the ovulating obsession starts. We become obsessed with when our bodies are ovulating, and avoid sperm like the plague during those times. I hate sperm so much that when I played ‘put the sperm on the uterus’ at a baby shower, I damn near put my sperm off the paper.

My Days Ovulation App

I’m way too lazy to track my basal body temperature, finger myself to check my cervix, or even keep a notebook on my night stand. I would already have 10 babies if those were the only ways to track my ovulation! I have things to do and people to see; err… people to do and things to seemen. What if this working lady ended up in an elevator? What about the bathroom of a restaurant? Maybe the gym locker room? Do you see what I mean? We can’t be getting hot and heavy and suddenly I say, “WAIT! I don’t have my ovulation calendar to write this down!”

How to use the My Days app to tell when you are ovulating to and avoid getting pregnant. {Horrible Housewife}

Currently my egg is making it’s journey down my Fallopian tube in hopes of meeting a strapping young sperm. What an awesome Valentine’s Day gift, right? No! I even showered for a little bow chicka wow wow! (Well, I showered yesterday before realizing I was ovulating. What a waste of time!) I guess there will be a little tube sock action tonight? Or maybe he will get lucky and I will bake him an apple pie instead?

A dry spell clarification: I was on my period from 1/29 – 2/3; my period was followed by a 2 day hiatus because of a treatment, and we missed the 3 day sex window.

Let’s recap what we learned about ovulating

Babies = sperm + eggs

Sperm + eggs = ((ripped vagina + work)^no sleep + no showers)/ cute

Therefore, we can deduce that

Babies = ((ripped vagina + work)^no sleep + no showers)/ cute

In conclusion

Just say no to any forms of sexual relations that might result in sperm being released while you are ovulating. And for the record, you can’t get pregnant if you swallow; however, I’m way too selfish for that kind of nonsense.

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About the author

Mallery

My name is Mallery and I am a recovering workaholic. I curse like a sailor. I'm a mix of obsessive and awkward. I talk about bowel habits more than I should and I enjoy wine, gaming, and tattoos.

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  1. Summer

    You clearly need a sleeve for your man. When I don’t feel like doing the deed, I bust my pink silicone sleeve out, squirt some silicone into the thing, get one hand going on the sleeve and the other working some major ball action. 3, 2, . . . OOOHHHH YEEAAAAHHHHHH!!! It take practically no time at all. Especially when I’m sitting next to him nekkid.

    All other times, I default to a good BJ. Semen is good for your teeth.
    Summer recently posted..Creating Memories Over Tea Time With Bigelow TeaMy Profile

    [Reply]

    Mallery Reply:

    We have 3 of those suckers that are nowhere to be found! Did you know I used to sell Pure Romance? I have all sorts of goodies in my toolbox (literally). Don’t you dare lie to me and tell me semen is good for my teeth! I should edit that out of your comment so Michael doesn’t see it. haha

    [Reply]

  2. Little Miss Kate

    hahaha, I love your math skills
    Little Miss Kate recently posted..National Geographic Passport to Explore Blogger CodeMy Profile

    [Reply]

  3. janet

    Ok, my little yellow line is on the 15th and I have no pink dots, but I want a baby…I’m bad at math, but I’m sure that I’m not going to be happy at the end of the month.
    janet recently posted..That Crazy Man I Love {and how he loves me back}My Profile

    [Reply]

  4. Greta

    And just when people say that you’ll never use algebra!
    Greta recently posted..Concerts to See in 2013My Profile

    [Reply]

  5. Dede

    I am such a prude. I have no idea what a pink sleeve is. Someone educate me on this!

    [Reply]

  6. @Mommy_Jennof3

    LOL!! This post is too funny (and 100% accurate!) I love it! I very entertaining read! Thank you!
    @Mommy_Jennof3 recently posted..Food Friday~Taco Pasta BakeMy Profile

    [Reply]

  7. Dawn Lopez

    Oh friend, you have me laughing.. can’t believe I can now say “there is an app for that”!
    Dawn Lopez recently posted..2 Ingredient DIY Lip Balm Made with Kool-AidMy Profile

    [Reply]

  8. Christy

    Oh my…where was your math 6 kids ago? Seriously. I had no clue that’s how this thing worked. I was never good at Algebra!
    Christy recently posted..Happy Valentine’s Day from Galveston!My Profile

    [Reply]

  9. Joe

    what is tube sock action?

    [Reply]

    Mallery Reply:

    When men ejaculate into a tube sock because it doesn’t require any cleanup.

    [Reply]

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