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Feb 26

The Story of the Accidental Dutch Oven

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I made a deeply regrettable mistake this weekend; I gave myself a dutch oven. I’m not talking about the red pot in my kitchen cupboard, either. I’m talking about the most nauseating stench you have ever experienced in your life. It was so offensive I wanted to check Michael’s pants to see if there was a rotting corpse in them!

Nothing says I love you like a dutch oven {Horrible Housewife}

Dutch Oven: The act of trapping a person under bed covers after releasing vile ass fumes.

I can’t believe I let my dutch oven guard down and paid the ultimate price, my memories. I don’t know how my sniffer is ever going to forgive me. How am I going to forget the foul odor that is now embedded in my nose hairs? I’m not even exaggerating! Michael is a big love your own smell type of person (weird) and he said it was bad. Ha!

Let me give you a better idea of why his intestines rot after a game night. Michael consumes at least half of the veggie tray BEFORE people arrive. Combine all of those vegetables with 10 beers and you have the recipe for a nuclear bomb. I should license the stench out for prisoner torture, screw Waterboarding.

How did I give myself a dutch oven? My house is very similar to the Arctic so I snuggled down into the blankets and BAM! I was smacked in the face by the brick wall that is his game night gas. It’s a good thing he didn’t show me this side of him before I started loving him. We lived together *GASP* before we got married and this was news to me down the road. What’s a girl supposed to do about it now? :)

I love you, babe, but man are your farts intense.

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About the author

Mallery

My name is Mallery and I am a recovering workaholic. I curse like a sailor. I'm a mix of obsessive and awkward. I talk about bowel habits more than I should and I enjoy wine, gaming, and tattoos.

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  1. Diane

    I had a similar experience one night on New Years eve. We were at a fire hall with some friends and the booze was flowing. There were bottles EVERYWHERE. There was also appetizer trays all over. At some point late in the night the booze and appetizers caught up to my gut and I let a fart slip out on the dancefloor. It was wretched. Nobody suspected little ol me. It was YEARS before I told my now fiance it was me. We had just started dating so I wasn’t going to show him that side of me until I knew he was a keeper : )

    [Reply]

    Mallery Reply:

    I am in love with your admission right now! Thank you for my daily laugh! hahahahahahahahaha

    [Reply]

  2. Liz @ A Nut in a Nutshell

    Your only consolation is that the Dutch Oven didn’t have water in it because that makes it all 100x worse!
    Liz @ A Nut in a Nutshell recently posted..World’s Best Queso Dip Taste TestMy Profile

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  3. Randa @ The Bewitchin' Kitchen

    lol! That’s the worst.
    Randa @ The Bewitchin’ Kitchen recently posted..Hylands Baby Teething TabletsMy Profile

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  4. Maria

    OMG that is too funny!! Men can’t be completely perfect. ! lol
    Maria recently posted..Get Red Carpet Ready w/ Daily’s Cocktails & Wholly Guacamole: Giveaway #RedCarpetReadyMy Profile

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  5. Christy

    We have rules in our house. This one is NEVER to be broken….NEVER! B runs people out of elevators, crop dusts aisles in stores, smells up my living room until I resort to not only spraying the room, but his actual ass. It’s that bad. If he did that in my bed, I’d have to burn it. Not cool, Michael, not cool!
    Christy recently posted..Barbie-mobile on the Beach: Living the DreamMy Profile

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  6. Chrissy

    This made me giggle. My boys do this all the time! I had no idea it was called a Dutch Oven though!
    Chrissy recently posted..Pinterest Power PartyMy Profile

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  1. We Have a Mallery Surprise- Call Roto-Rooter! | Horrible Housewife

    [...] and say my shit don’t stink, because it does. It is just as foul as the rotting intestines dutch oven Michael gave me last weekend… by accident. (The verdict is still out on that debate.) How [...]

  2. Happy Birthday to My Better Half as He Turns 28 Years Old | Horrible Housewife

    [...] You look like a monkey and you totally smelled like a monkey’s ass the day after your party. For real. Michael had the time of his life at his little LAN birthday party and drank enough that even he couldn’t stand his own ass stench. His odor was so foul I thought he was ripping them when he burped. It was worse than his accidental dutch oven! [...]

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