Please give me an estimate of the cheapest Valentine’s Day date that will still result in us having sex. -Unknown
Have you ever wondered about the types of gifts to get a housewife for Valentine’s Day? Do you even celebrate Valentine’s Day? Please note that sexy time doesn’t count as celebrating unless you are coming off of a long sex probation. I can’t be the only housewife out there that enforces sex probation!
Since men can be clueless, I thought I would put together a list of imperative gifts to get a housewife for Valentine’s Day! You can thank me later.
Top 10 Gifts to Get a Housewife for Valentine’s Day
- Nikon D5200- There isn’t any other tangible, emotional, or sexual gifts this girl could get that has the moist inducing capabilities that this camera does. I just want to nuzzle this camera into my bosom and whisper sweet nothings to it.
- Plush reproductive organs- I was pretty bummed I didn’t get the uterus I asked for last Christmas. <Sad face> Then I was un-bummed (<~ is that even a word?) when I got my Uncommon Goods catalog and saw they had a plush prostate, mammary, testicle, and ovary! I want! I need! Why do people think I’m weird for wanting plush organs?
- Practice finger- <Pervert alert! Pervert alert!> I died laughing when one of my BFFs tweeted me this picture! I knew this fella was meant to be on the ‘gifts to get a housewife for Valentine’s Day’ list! This practice finger should be included in sex education courses everywhere so men realize there is an art to phalangeal relations.
- Wine- If you want a special gift on Valentine’s day then it’s time to load up on the wine! Get her sloshed and my money is on her hatches succumbing to a ship full of seamen. (Results may vary.)
- Batteries- Do you know what my favorite part of Christmas was? You’re right! My favorite part was Little Michael getting double-A batteries for ‘his toys’! Do you know how many made it to ‘his toys’? Not one.
- Purple pots and pans- LOVE! Did you notice how I didn’t ask for cast iron pots and pans? That’s because I already have a pan to whoop your ass with. What I need are pots and pans that make me look fabulous!
- Soft Scrub Total- Fact: Once in a blue moon I will get out the Soft Scrub and clean my heart out. It just so happens that blue moons only occur about every 2-3 years.
- Bonbons- If I’m going to fall into the housewife stereotype then I want the goods that come with it. And I don’t mean dollar store chocolate! I want Godiva truffles!
- New knives- Haven’t you ever heard of women cooking more because they have fancy utensils? You can’t tell me your fear of being stabbed in the back is greater than your desire for good food. We will only stab you in the back when we need results. (Like my CAMERA! Waaaaah!)
- Diapers- For all of the shit life throws at us. Not to mention, the little people that would run around the house leaving warm presents without them. I had to include diapers because there can’t be such a thing as a housewife that doesn’t change diapers, right?
Just a reminder that your Valentine’s Day plans for me will be broadcast in real-time on at least three social media platforms. -Unknown
The gifts to get a housewife for Valentine’s Day list will follow up with you on what housewives really wanted, versus what you got them for Valentine’s Day, after the holiday.
I better be getting one of the gifts from my gifts to get a housewife for Valentine’s Day list! I bet Michael will deliver for fear of being banished to a permanent sex probation.