What she really wanted for Valentine’s Day:
- Nikon D5200- Sure as shit, I got this beauty of a camera on Valentine’s Day! It’s so beautiful that I caress it with my left hand and hold my bullet in my right hand. This camera made me say screw my ovulation calendar and I rode that pony like I was at the Kentucky Derby! He definitely deserved some sexy time for this present!
- Time Alone- I swear I am the only woman that will admit that she wants to be ALONE! I hate to break it to you, the only difference between a husband and a child is size. Why do you think we sit on the throne for so long? Have you ever wondered why our showers take 45 minutes? We aren’t ALWAYS indulging in some shower head time!
- Boob Job- I want a new rack soooo bad! Getting pregnant
cursedblessed me with saggy, deflated sacks of mush; nobody wants to play with mush. I can’t wait for the day I turn 35 because that’s when I will be round and perky again.
- Batteries- Let me just tell you how bummed out I was last night! The ONLY batteries in the house DIED! They died while being used! Dang it! Let’s just say there won’t be any coitus until there are fresh batteries on my night stand.
- Wine- All I’m going to say is that wine helps with the lack of batteries.
- Maid- Have you ever heard the saying ‘A man that cleans gets laid more’? It’s true. What she really wanted for Valenine’s Day was a shiny new maid.
- Chef- We had a chef come to the house last night. Chef + wine = it didn’t matter that my batteries died.
- Sleep- That sneaky bastard made me think it was 1am last night (it was 11pm) and I went to bed before midnight! Tread lightly because trickery might backfire and put you in a sex probation. What she really wanted was a bed free of cats (and Michael) so she could spread eagle the bed without getting woken up in the morning.
- A night to get drunk with her girlfriends- I’m talking hammered drunk! She wants a night out to let her inner lush escape and act a fool. This won’t require your presence until she comes home with raging hormones and demands you have sex with her… over and over again. (I should tell you the story of Michael’s conception. It’s the funniest story you will ever hear!)
- Babysitter for when she is hungover- Sorry fellas. You can get her a hotel room (You won’t get laid with this option.) or you can keep the kid quiet the whole day she is hungover. Moms who are hungover are less than useless; they are needy useless.
The next time you are thinking about a gift for your baby’s momma… think about what she really wanted this Valentine’s Day. You can thank me later.