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Dec 12

Perfect Christmas Gift {Advent Calendar Day 8}

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2013 Wine advent calendar - Perfect Christmas Gift #winewithmallery

I’m here to spill the beans on the perfect Christmas gift for the lucky broad in your life. And let me tell ya, this ain’t your mama’s perfect Christmas gift! Well… maybe, if your mama is like me.

You guys know I was a dildo slinger in a previous career, right? That’s right, I strolled into random strangers’ homes with my toolbox full o’ fun in an effort to get the girls horned up enough to buy a $200 pleasure toy from me.

I will say this… I had a legit oral sex demo with a delicious lubricant.

And the perfect Christmas gift is…

Nero d’Avola by Ruggero di Tasso from Trader Joe’s

I let this under $5 bottle of wine decant for quite a while because, let’s face it, under $5 reds can be scary if you pop the top and chug. This wine is 13% and pretty smooth. I would dare say it is better than the previous 2 red wines because it actually has some personality, without being overpowering. I give it two thumbs up!

2013 wine advent calendar- the perfect Christmas gift for couples looking for more bedroom romance #winewithmallery

The first, most important step in this gifting process is to figure out whether or not your lucky lady is a romantic ‘look into my eyes the entire time’ bedroom romper or not because my perfect Christmas gift probably won’t work for her. Now, if your lady likes to get down and dirty up against the wall like yours truly, continue reading!

2013 wine advent calendar- rechargable batteries are included in the perfect Christmas gift because nobody appreciates half dead batteries #winewithmallery

2013 wine advent calendar- the perfect Christmas gift includes a hefty stockpile of lubricants #winewithmallery

  • Lube is lube, is lube. My only tip is to check with her because we don’t like being blindsided with something that makes us feel like we are having a yeast infection. Example- Michael wore some fancy condom once and my crotch was on fire in a less than pleasant way. Fire crotch is no bueno unless …  no, fire crotch is never a good thing.

2013 wine advent calendar- how to use nipple clamps if they wind up in your perfect Christmas gift #winewithmallery

  • Nipple clamps are optional if she is an extra special lady, or just a freaky deak like me. All I have to say is that Michael is a VERY lucky man despite my lack of household chores and workaholic mentality.

Well that was an overshare if I’ve ever written one! Happy holidays… if ya know what I mean!

 

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About the author

Mallery

My name is Mallery and I am a recovering workaholic. I curse like a sailor. I'm a mix of obsessive and awkward. I talk about bowel habits more than I should and I enjoy wine, gaming, and tattoos.

1 ping

  1. Modly Chic Roast {Advent Calendar Day 9} | Horrible Housewife

    […] Chic for this year’s Social Fabric virtual gift exchange! Thank goodness her elf told me nipple clamps were off limits because, yanno, I’m far from a classy […]

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