I did it. I made the phone call that will sever our days of breastfeeding and all I can do is lay here as you sleep and cry. And I mean straight up ugly cry. I didn’t want to make to make the phone call this early but walking is no longer on my list of daily tasks. It wasn’t supposed to end like this. End this fast. We were supposed to get two more weeks of blissful skin to skin bonding. The type of bonding that releases all sorts of feel good hormones.
I was so happy.
I know I shouldn’t feel robbed of our perfect life, but I do. We had a good thing going and someone thought it would be cool to run up and steal the pacifier right out of my mouth. Why is this happening so soon? What is it about my Multiple Sclerosis that prevents my hormones from protecting me for the 6-8 weeks others get to enjoy?
I don’t understand.
I knew our days of breastfeeding were numbered but I underestimated how painful it would be to admit it. How difficult it would be to tell the nurse what was going on in between sobs. How hard I would work to hide my tears on our way to school that morning. And again on our way home from the grocery store. I don’t want your brother to see me cry. He doesn’t need to see how nasty Multiple Sclerosis can be.
This is not how I want to be remembered.
So tonight we will cuddle and nurse on demand one last time. Tonight I will cherish each drop leaked from my right nipple as you nurse from the left. Because tomorrow… tomorrow will be difficult. Necessary but so very difficult.
Stay tuned for my updated thoughts on Multiple Sclerosis and pregnancy.