I had an entire Thanksgiving themed post concocted about what I am thankful for, yadda-yadda, and wasn’t feeling it at all because you got a pretty good motherhood rant a few days ago. You know me and if it isn’t flowing, it ain’t gonna happen. But then something miraculous took place, as I was preparing a meal, I hear “Fffrrpppppppttttttt” coming from my tiny human offspring.
Did you just… Fffrrpppppppttttttt?
Was that the apple juice I let you drink all day so I could work?
To which he responded with a shit eating grin and slow nod.
Are you going to say ‘excuse me’?
And then the wet poop waterfall happened again “Fffrrpppppppttttttt“.
And again “Fffrrpppppppttttttt“.
“Do you at least feel better?” (In my best concerned mom voice.)
C’mon now! Do you really need me to give you a bath RIGHT NOW? Can’t you give yourself a bath so I can take this picture? (Things you don’t say to a toddler.)
“NO! I didn’t mean take your clothes off right now! NO! Don’t take your diaper off down here! Fine, you win, let’s take a bath.”
Why is this story important? Why do I talk about bowel movements so much? Why am I a serial oversharer?
You guys, listen. Or read. Or whatever. Just freaking pay attention, mmkay?
This crap (I’m so punny tonight!) happens OUT IN PUBLIC! Out in public! Poop blowouts in the store. Poop everywhere. Poop at gaga’s house. Poop at dinner. Green poop. Runny poop. Poop with chunks of fruit in it. Poop you can make carrot cake with.
Poop is my life.
I even leave the poopy diapers in the bathroom, with the door closed, so his dad has a chance to come home and face plant into the stench without warning. But I digress.
Thanksgiving is next week and that means we will be gone all day. All day long, guys. Have I mentioned that he poops 4 times a day? I can’t give details in case one of my family members is reading this buuuuuttt… they have had poop on their furniture. More than once.
And as the turkey is passed around the table, my ‘what I’m thankful for’ will be ‘getting my period this month’. You heard it here first! If that ovulation hanky panky comes back to bite me in the arse… so help me…
Why is news about my sex life important?
Michael started saying ‘baby’, putting this teether in his mouth, and asking to be rocked… LIKE A BABY! He better not possess that all knowing child skill because I don’t even know what I’m doing with one tiny tot!
I’m drinking myself to sleep tonight. Sort of like this.
Oh hush! He didn’t drink himself to sleep. That’s the position you will find me in this evening- spread ea… wah? No. Definitely not what you are thinking.