Welcome to the country chic wedding mi madre put together for one of my real life besties. I wasn’t lying when I told you guys party planning races through my veins like a Corvette Stingray on an open road. It’s madness, I tell ya. Absolute party planning madness when we get together. But I dig it.
I have always wanted to help plan a wedding. (Or so I thought.)
To me, weddings were like the Holy Grail of party planning. Something on my bucket list, if you will. Except… weddings make people total whackadoodles. Crazy like what happens during a zombie apocalypse, yanno, eating people’s faces off and shit.
Money. Communication. Money. Etiquette. Money. Desires.
Throw a baby in the above list and you have most of the stressors associated with divorce. Crazy, right?
Don’t get me wrong, I would still get all schoolgirl-esque on the person if I was asked to be in a wedding, but I have come to terms with just being in one. You know, when my sister finally decides to get hitched. Which I’m sure will happen when I’m in the middle of healing from my wicked new boobies.
I don’t care as long as I’m not pregnant. Attending a wedding while pregnant is the pits.
But anyways, back to the wedding funny farm story.
Men like Michael think you need the perfect Catholic wedding, in the perfect Catholic church, with the perfect dress, and a super long veil. You know what I’m talking about.
Women like me want to get married on a cruise and let those who can make it, come. And those that can’t make it, meh.
That sounds like a dick thing to say, and you are sort of right. But only sort of because there are only 3 people that truly NEED to be at the wedding.
And It is easy to lose sight of WHY you are getting married when you are knee deep in making sure Aunt Susie doesn’t sit next to Uncle Roger because WWW3 will take place. Don’t forget about the important things like…
- boinking the same dude for the rest of your life. Are you really okay seeing ONE PENIS until you die? ONE! (Porn doesn’t count.)
- tolerating the way he chews his food. I’m being serious right meow. Listen to the way he chews his food. Does he eat his whole meal without breathing? Does he put his teeth on the fork?
Those are examples of questions you should ask yourself during the days leading up to the wedding. Who gives a shit if your second cousin twice removed is on the guest list.
My biggest tip if you are a bride planning on using Mason Jars for glasses is simple… be prepared for your guests to get ham-to-the-mered! Like drunk-drunk. Like worst hangover of their lives drunk. So, so drunk.
Not me, of course. I didn’t get that drunk because I’m a classy broad.