Living in Fear

I am just going to write because I am not quite sure how to begin talking about the fear going on in my head right now.

Today (8/11/14) I am living in fear for the fetus residing in my womb. I have reached the point of this pregnancy where I am emotionally exhausted. I am in my shell trying to figure out how to handle this fear. Heck, I even closed myself off from my confidant.

If I make an attempt to respond to anything via my phone, Michael yells, “Get off your phone! Put your phone away!”

If I am feeling well enough to sit at the computer to do the minimal work I have on my plate, Michael says, “Stop working and cuddle on the couch with me.”

Cartoon cuddles during my time spent on bed rest.

I know I shouldn’t close myself off. I know people do not consider me and my problems a burden because they care. I know it’s all in my head. I know this because I treat my MS symptoms the same way. I refuse to be the person discussing the problems at every family function. No.

Just, no.

There is so much happiness going on around me right now. My brother had a bridal shower and wedding ceremony in June. July consisted of my other brother’s bridal shower and Michael’s 3rd birthday. Just a few days ago I attended another bridal shower for a family member on Michael’s side. My bestie is about to rip her own vagina any moment now. This weekend I will legally gain a new sister-in-law. And today in general is ‘a good day to be a beaver’.

So much happiness. So many reasons to not rain on the parade.

So what do I do? I put on my party dress, make sure my eyebrows are fierce, double check that I don’t ‘look pregnant’, and celebrate the happy times.

I’m sure it doesn’t help that I haven’t been (what I consider) a good friend. I don’t get on social media much at all because taking care of this threatened miscarriage, pelvic rest, modified bed rest, and my effing MS symptoms is a lot of work. I’m tired.

Which means I sleep. I have 12 hours a night blocked off for sleeping and peeing and I sleep a few hours during Michael’s naps. Every day. And when I’m not sleeping, I’m in bed watching mindless television because I am supposed to rest.

But I digress…

Living in fear due to spotting old blood after a threatened miscarriage.

At the fucking crack of 4am, I had the typical urge to pee. No surprise there. So I pee. And since I live in fear, I look at the toilet paper each time I wipe. Every time.

Even though there were no lights on, I saw more than a little pregnancy spotting.

I set paper aside to be examined when I was a little more awake and crawled back in bed. Except I didn’t fall back asleep. At this point I was annoyed because I was now hungry and crampy, which meant I had to trek downstairs. Waking up before 8am is not my thing. Not even a little bit.

I popped my bagel in the toaster, poured a glass of apple juice, and watched a trickle of blood stream down my right thigh.

Fuck. Not again. No. This isn’t happening. I can’t handle this.

I’m light headed, but I manage to take my shorts off so I could wipe my vagina and thigh in the middle of my kitchen with a paper towel. A paper towel.

But that didn’t stop me from eating. Nothing stops a pregnant woman from eating. I finished making my bagel and scarfed it down before scurrying to the upstairs bathroom for a pad and new pants. Fuck, where are my pads? Fuck, why am I cramping so bad? Fuck, when did I last feel any movements? Fuuuuuuck.

And then I got back into bed and cried.

I cried because anything more than spotting is scary. I cried because cramps are uncomfortable. I cried because I was tired, physically and mentally. I cried because there wasn’t a thing I could do.

So here I am, another day in bed. Another day I had to bribe Michael with cookies because I didn’t feel like being a mom. Another day I had to tell him no because ‘Mommy is sick’.

Which is why I asked Michael to buy me a fetal doppler.



Reader Interactions


  1. I’m sorry, and I love you, and please be the sad person at the table complaining about their life. That’s what we are here for. Sending all the happiness, energy, and positive thoughts I’ve got your way.

  2. After reading this post and your threatened miscarriage post I am having terrible flashbacks of my own miscarriage at home 2 years ago. I am so thinking of you and your little one and I really really really hope nothing happens! I’ll be keeping you both in my thoughts. Now I need to go find some tissues.

    Alison recently posted..Ricky Ricotta Book Series (Giveaway)My Profile

  3. I’m sorry you’re going though all that mess. Spotting alone is scary but along with everything else going on…I’d curl up in a bunch of blankets and do nothing but cry. Every post you post I fear one of the worsts has happened. Thank you for sharing, I’m sure a fetal doppler or even a heartbeat thingy would be a great thing for you.

    I’m sending you happy and “womb plugging” thoughts ^_^

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