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Wedding season is upon us and that means Pinterest is about to barf wedding all over the place as doe-eyed women finalize their perfect wedding. My fellow been there, done that ladies know what’s up. Instead of the bridesmaids stressing over the contents of her wedding day survival kit (White Out and chalk for dress stains, really?), how about the matrons hook a girl up with a marriage survival kit? Yanno, help her prepare for the uphill battle that is marriage.
Marriage noun ˈmer-ij, ˈma-rij- The act of assuming responsibility for their mountain of debt before taking out a fat life insurance policy.
Let’s start with the fellas, shall we?
- Qtips– Because you will be asked, on multiple occasions, if you are listening. (The answer is yes.)
- Ear plugs– Because there will come a time when she starts in with the ‘OMG! NO she didn’t!’ but is really just using you as a sounding board.
- Hoop earrings- Because you need to understand that your new role is similar to that of a circus lion’s. Plus, you can use them as a get out of jail card. (You’re welcome.)
- Tweezers– Because there will be days when she becomes a thorn in your side and you need to dig her out. (I lied. There will be a lot days like that, and they will normally occur around the same time each month.)
- Cue cards- Because ‘yes, dear’ is the appropriate response in any situation.
And, of course, the box for the bride is slightly larger because… yanno, it’s all about the bride.
- Venus Snap– Because we all need to slow down and smooth things over.
- Ibuprofen- Because there will be times you just don’t feel like the brown chicken, brown cow.
- Shout– Because it is bound to happen. Get it out so you can move on to the fun part… making up.
- Dum Dums– Because silently handing him a Dum Dum when he is acting like a dufus is scarier than yelling.
- Lip balm- Because your lips are bound to be chapped from the tushies you kissed while planning your wedding.
But wait… that’s not all!
THE MARRIAGE SURVIVAL KIT GRAND FINALE IS…
- Mints- Because you guys are mint for each other. (Awwww!)
- Snickers- Because couples that snickers together, stays together.
- Kisses- Because the well runs dry after the honeymoon phase.
- Pregnancy test– Because you enjoyed too many Kisses during the honeymoon phase. (It happens to the best of us.)
- Skittles- Because, at the end of the day, getting knocked up is the rainbow after the storm of wedding prep is over.