Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to you.
You look like a monkey and you totally smelled like a monkey’s ass the day after your party. For real. Michael had the time of his life at his little LAN birthday party and drank enough that even he couldn’t stand his own ass stench. His odor was so foul I thought he was ripping them when he burped. It was worse than his accidental dutch oven!
Here are the reasons I love you:
- You are so simple- I know if I go upstairs and ‘tuck you in bed’ I can stay up until 4am without any whining from the peanut gallery. You either have me trained just the way you want me or I have you figured out. Either way, it’s easier to tuck you in than it is to argue.
- You are so horny- I had a hard time deciding on whether this one would go into the why I love you or why I don’t love you category. I decided it was more a why I love you because of how quickly you pointed north when those cheeky bathing suit bottoms arrived. It was so quick I could have swore you took some little blue pills for the fun of it.
- I pretty much love you because you put up with all of the reasons I suck at being a wife and I have accepted I’m only good for fellatio.
Here are the reasons I don’t love you:
- I hosted a LAN birthday party this weekend- This is where all of the normal people out there are going, “WTF is a LAN party?”
- I had to shower with our toddler covered in poop yesterday while you cleaned up the feces around the house. Although, both of these suck so I shouldn’t count this one.
- You are the hairiest man on this planet! Your little, black hairs are everywhere! They haunt my dreams and floss my teeth!
- You have the worst hangover farts I have ever smelled. HOW DOES THAT HAPPEN???
And yet, those reasons aren’t really reasons why I don’t love you. I would be lost if I didn’t have the option to play even or odds on your chest. And I would die of boredom if you didn’t let me make fun of you!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY YOU HAIRY MO’FO!
(Please tell me someone caught on to the picture. You didn’t forget I was ovulating on Valentine’s Day, right? I’m not knocked up and he is only wearing this shirt because it was in the pile of clothes I bought from Kacy!)